“At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice.” – Maya Angelou
My commitment to writing regular posts fell by the wayside some months ago, not because I wasn’t writing, but because I seemed unable to finish anything I’d started. While I felt I had a lot to share, I’d become frustrated at my non-existent output, until I realised that the best course of action was to do nothing, let things be, surrender to life as it is right now.
As we approach the end of another year, I was tempted to do a review and re-examination of the past year, but this time I resisted the urge. As a chronic over thinker, I tend to review each waking minute of every day, and for once I decided that this practice was no longer necessary. It appears that the merry-go-round of examining outcomes, cost/benefit analysis and trying to extrapolate valuable data so as to prevent future mistakes was finally coming to an end. Why? Because I decided it had to stop.
Years of analysis, doctors, naturopaths, acupuncturists, homeopaths, not to mention nutritionists, eating plans, exercise plans and hundreds of books on the mind and spirituality, all helped me gain an understanding and awareness of how my thoughts impacted my health. However, eventually you reach the pointy end of your journey where you choose to stay stuck or to step out, usually into unknown territory.
My foreign land is in the realm of feelings. I am unfamiliar and unaccustomed to letting go. Letting go of what I thought I was and how I defined myself, which was usually through the prism of work and/or the praise worthy demonstration of some unique talent. Chronic illness allows you to do neither of these. You loose your work and as for gaining lavish praise for your unique talent? Forget it! Some days, the best thing you can do is get out of bed gracefully. Believe me, when you’re sick, it’s a huge achievement.
And so, with identity stripped away, it seems there is little left but skin and bones and this is where the yucky void is to be found. Many of us avoid it like the plague by indulging in too much liquor, drugs, sex, food, worry, extreme sports, anything that keeps us from ourselves.
The point of no return
But I’d had enough. I wanted out of my old and battered life and to embrace something different -to try on a new coat, something technicolour and funky. It was my point of no return. Once you’ve seen a glimpse of your true self, you can never return unchanged. It’s like trying to fit into your old size 8 jeans when you have outgrown them by 3 sizes.
So what I glimpsed was an understanding about how I’m wired. I am a left and a right brainer. That means I have equal capacity to analyse (left brain) and to create (right brain). This is normally a good thing, except when your brain becomes unbalanced. I unwittingly let my left brain run my life. While the left loves knowledge it also loves to analyse, normally a handy skill, except when this is coupled with low self-esteem. In this case, the analyst can become a harsh critic and judge whenever a new activity is attempted. In my case, the critic became my ruler in all its definitions; both dominating, and in the way I measured myself and my work against others. My right brain has been trying for YEARS to restore the balance, seeking even the smallest crack in the wall that I’d built around my self-esteem to find release. It constantly sought opportunities to allow my creativity to spill forth and be expressed, but the harsh critic always shut me down. Any attempts at artistic endeavours were quickly abandoned because my first attempts were naturally never perfect. Sadly, it was through illness that I became aware of the imbalance. It’s the main reason this blog exists. I hope others will take heed and learn to honour and express all aspects of who they are.
So with this insight, I realised this imbalance was the result of hearing a few too many criticisms and not enough praise as I was growing up. No blame here. I know my parents had endured the same which is why they parented the way they knew how. So, knowing all this, where to from here?
Well, I know I have a kick-ass, pain in the butt critic but it’s my choice whether I listen or not. Perfectionism is an impossible master to please. In a recent attempt at a sewing project I made the same mistake twice. Truly a first world problem but to me, it triggered all the old feelings of shame and incompetence and I wanted to quit. But I dropped an arm into the ugly place of despair and pulled myself out before I hit the bottom.
Here’s what worked for me.
I call this process, “Project Hello Me”. I took a deep breath, reminded myself that I was a beginner and began to hum a jolly tune as I unpicked the work. I repeated the process when I made the same mistake and actually had enough awareness to realise that I was being given a wonderful gift, an opportunity to really test my new commitment to change. Repetition builds new neurones and brain pathways, and I wanted a major highway in my brain that built loving acceptance of both my mistakes, and my achievements.
The bottom line is that I am choosing to change records. I want my life to a play to a different tune.
I won’t lie and say that I’m cured. This is like learning to walk. It’s just the first step. My other Achilies’ heal is comparison. I see the brilliant work of experienced artisans and feel pathetically inadequate compared to them, but again, I refer myself to Project Hello Me and repeat the pattern of demolishing the old and creating the new.
Uncovering the Real Me
But what I’m really doing is not so much creating the new me, but rather, uncovering the “real me”. Looking through a clearer lens. Stripping away dusty old walls that have kept my true identity hidden from myself and others. Like most children, I built up walls to protect myself. I realise now that when something means so much to us, we feel we cannot risk having it destroyed by unaware adults whose criticisms, although well intentioned, can be completely misinterpreted by young children. I never wanted to risk trying something creative in case it was a complete failure, hard to swallow when it means everything to you. But that’s a scared child’s interpretation. A loved and secure child will make and create just because they have to. And now, so will I.
I wanted to set up the change even before the new year is welcomed in. I wanted the river to begin flowing now, I’ve wasted enough time. So I’ve begun to dabble, explore and investigate new possibilities. Always with what the Buddhists call, ‘The beginners mind’.
So as we leave 2016 behind and allow the events and memories to be added to the cache of the collective experience, I say thank you to you wonderful readers and followers for listening to my rants and raves, to my highs and lows and providing me with a forum in which to share my experiences and insights.
New years are often a great opportunity for change.
How can you embrace a more authentic version of yourself in 2017? What new experiences can you try your hand at to help you to find your true self?
My wish for you in 2017 is that you rediscover and reconnect with your authentic inner magnificence. And to remember that we are all a glittering facet of a greater cosmic diamond, that Divine force that creates all there is.
Wishing for you a safe and happy holiday and many joy-filled blessings in the New Year.
I am careful not to confuse Excellence with Perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; Perfection is God’s business. Michael J. Fox
Today, I begin my experiment. It’s about taking a risk, taking a chance, not knowing all the possible permutations but having a go anyway without knowing about the outcome.
As a perfectionist, I need to know everything. But as a reforming perfectionist, I’m learning that I don’t really need to know “every thing”. And the universe is helping me in my quest. You see even this post has started off as imperfect. I made many attempts at centring the image below, the text size changed and I couldn’t see how to fix it, and you know what, it didn’t matter. Despite my mind protesting, I just gave in and left it imperfect, because I realised that this imperfect post would not caused a major earthquake, or other similar calamity. Funny thing is, when I gave in to imperfection, the faults magically corrected themselves!
As for the Imperfect Experiment, well, since my beloved rescue Greyhound passed away recently, I’ve been in a complete state of sadness and despair. I couldn’t imagine getting another dog ever, because I felt she was the “perfect” dog. My family adored her too, and they also miss her but also wanted to honour her by rescuing another Greyhound, which I know is a wonderful thing to do. Problem is, there are so many dogs that need rescuing, that need homes but as always, I managed to narrow the choice down to 2. I just couldn’t choose the next “perfect” dog. I flipped a coin, I used a pendulum, I meditated but I got nothing, no guidance, no inkling, just a big fat zero, and now I know why. I’m being guided to just choose. Either dog will be perfect and imperfect at the same time.
So today, I thought, ok, let’s look at this as an experiment. Let’s just choose one, and go with it. Let’s see what it feels like to just make a selection and be ok with that. Even if the dog we’ve chosen turns out to be somewhat imperfect, perhaps it may dig up my garden, or hide all our socks, does it really matter? No. There is joy to be found in saving any animal. There is joy to be found in having a playful dog, even if it does cause mischief. There will be joy in knowing that I’ve made a decision, that will make a huge difference to at least one animal’s life. In fact, being able to be imperfect means I will help save another dog’s life. Surely that is the only kind of perfection worth striving for.
So this morning, I’m off to collect our new family member from her foster mum, and I look forward to seeing what alchemical process will take place as I try on a new idea about what it means to be perfectly imperfect.