Creativity – Wisdom Elements

What to do when you loath your creative output

Posted on September 27, 2023September 27, 2023 by Wisdom Elements

How to understand and overcome “creative dysmorphia”.

For some of us, creativity can be both a beloved and much needed companion while simultaneously, acting like an unrelenting berating beast, a harsh judge and critic.

For a decade, I have walked over coals trying to find a place of peace when I create work, whether it’s writing, printmaking or even cooking.

I’ve read almost every book on the fear of art making and creativity and while the advice was helpful and I’d be enthused for a few days, I’d inevitably slowly slip back into loathing my work and by extension, into self-loathing. It was a perpetual cycle of Make. Hate. Loath. Stop. Make. Hate….you get the idea.

I’ve struggled with this for a long time, but I recently had an epiphany. As a beginner, what you produce isn’t going to be anything like the image inside your head, to produce the type of work that requires years of practice. Ira Glass refers to this as “The Gap”. He beautifully explains that you have good taste but the work you produce as a beginner disappoints you. He says a lot of people ‘never get past this phase; they quit.” Hello!

But I take it one step further. Those of us who are highly self-critical, self-judgement, perfectionists, can harbour distorted beliefs and thoughts, but I also think this can lead to literally seeing things in a distorted way, what I call Creative Dysmorphia.

This is a really challenging dysfunction, hard to change, but an interview I listened to recently broke through.

A little background first. Like anyone who grows up with overly critical parents, I believed that making mistakes was to be avoided at all costs, and as I kept making them, (show me a child who doesn’t), I naturally associated this inability to do things right the first time, as a flaw in my capabilities, including my intelligence. You know the internal dialogue, “Are you kidding me! You stuffed that up again? What the heck is wrong with you? Seriously, how many times do you have to be told?”

Anyone who’s had these conversations in their head and done some work to understand these voices, will know that these are not our original thoughts. This is NOT how a child thinks. A child will say, “Oops, I spilt my milk. Ooh, look at how it flows around the table and makes a funny pattern!”

Let’s be clear here. I’m not blaming parents who do the best they can with what they know. Nor am I saying we shouldn’t teach children to take care or avoid dangerous places, people etc. In many households, spilling milk can be a very big deal if you don’t have any money and each drop of milk is as precious to you as gold. But there are gentle ways of helping a child understand consequences. Both my parents grew up with very little money, plus they both had dysfunctional parents themselves, so they did not learn how to inform and educate their children without using harsh language.

While it’s helpful to know this, those early ingrained messages are cemented into our subconscious, and therefore are harder to shift, and finding new ways of changing our deep-seated beliefs takes time and effort.

The other downside of constantly feeling like you’re incompetent and not good at anything, is that for some of us it can lead to feeling not just hopeless, but helpless too. Feeling hope-less means that you no longer allow yourself to hope that things can change or get better, and that includes your own creative output.

When I started learning to draw as a teenager, I was eager and thought I could improve with time. But as the criticisms started to bite hard, I associated my other failings in life, with everything I did. In her book, Change Your Thinking, Sarah Edelman refers to overgeneralising as drawing “negative conclusions about ourselves, other people and life situations.” Common terms include, ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘everybody’. ‘I always mess things up’ is one I know well, particularly when it comes to creativity.

Clearly perfectionism is at play here and because it’s such a hard demon to beat, it can lead to a sense of disempowerment and and so we give up. I write more about this here. And, no I’ve not posted a story in…forever…due to perfectionism and hating my work!

Feeling helpless to change situations as a child also leads to feeling helpless as an adult. While some parts of my life succeeded, eg: work and relationships, the thing closest to my heart, the thing that made me who I am, a creative person, failed miserably. I‘d subconsciously convinced myself that it was better not to try anything creative, rather than discover that my deepest love was unattainable. I was convinced, that I would never be good enough at creative pursuits. I’d believed I was totally flawed as a human being.

So, what was it about that interview that struck a chord?

The interview was conducted by Australia’s first female prime minister, Julia Gillard and her guest was Turia Pitt. The talk was called Turia Pitt on determination, defying expectations and taking up space.

Despite learning about how many people overcome challenges over the years, like a slow water drip forming a hollow in a rock, it was Julia’s interview with Turia that finally cracked the concrete in my subconscious brain and let in the light of awareness.

For a start, Julia Gillard is a tower of strength in her own right. As PM, She endured constant critique about her appearance and was subjected to horrid misogynistic behaviour.

Her guest, Turia is also a prime example of grit and determination. She had not only become a successful mining engineer in a male-dominated space but she also defied the odds when at 24, during a marathon, she was caught in a grassfire and sustained burns to 65% of her body.

Turia not only survived but she also returned to work, became a mum and returned to running, her determination helped her defy the odds of not just basic survival, but she has gone on to grow and flourish. Her story was so inspiring it made me reflect on what my own response would have been if I was in her shoes.

I hate to say it, but while my instinct would have been to fight for survival, my response to recovery might have been one of helplessness because that’s all I knew. Self-determination and strength were not qualities I learnt growing up.

So, what do we do when we discover that as children, we were not gifted the most essential life skills we need, to not just survive but to thrive as adults? We read books, get help from a counsellor and listen to interviews with people who show us that there are other ways to respond to life’s challenges.

Well meaning people often tell me that I just need to keep practicing, keep making my art and I will improve. Until now, this kind of advice has not helped because more often than not, my beginner art looks so ugly to me, and I just toss the thing out in disgust and walk away, vowing to never return! But I do. What’s in our hearts will not be denied. The pain associated with these feelings tells me that this is important to me and I have to find a way to remove the shackles.

When I recently reflected on my ‘hate’ reaction to my art, I saw it almost like some kind of body dysmorphia except it’s a “creativity dysmorphia”. Could it be that my brain has internalised so much of the criticism I heard as a child that it now view even my art in a distorted way?

According to neuroscience, yes it does. We all have brains with a negativity bias, but layer this with negative conditioning and of course you’ll double the effect of this bias and distorted way of thinking and seeing.

I’m sure you’ve seen this in action. You’ll be with a friend and comment on what a beautiful day it is and her response? “Yeah, but it won’t last. I heard rain and storms are coming.” Or, say to your friend’s father, “Your daughter is a good woman.” Her father’s response, “Oh yeah? You should have seen how naughty she was when she was a little girl.”

People with a strong negativity bias, are unable to say, “Yes ,it is a lovely day” and leave it at that, or “Yes, she is a good woman” without going to the past and focussing on the negative.

So, my dear friends who have inherited strong negativity biases and negative self-talk, I invite you to use Turia’s or any other strong person like Nelson Mandela, or a survivor of war, injury, or abuse, someone you can relate to, and try to embody some of their strengths and skills. Let’s channel the strengths of our Inspirational Person.

This week I’ve landed a horrid flu and have been feeling sorry for myself, but I remembered Turia’s fight against her horrific burns and I felt a bit ridiculous for whining like a baby. I thought of Turia, had a pep talk with myself, and found a little nugget of strength rise inside of me. I stopped complaining immediately. If a young 24-year-old Turia can do it, so can I.

So how does this relate to creativity? Very nicely in fact. Here’s how I use this new information.

Being aware of my negativity bias and possibly some kind of “creativity dysmorphia”, I visualise myself doing some much-needed and well overdue repairs inside my brain. I see myself culling and replacing those thick negative neural pathways and replacing them with life-affirming, helpful ones. I know those old thoughts were developed to help me as a child, but they no longer serve me and they have to go.

Emotionally this is painful work, but I remind myself of the courage of people like Turia who have to not only fight challenging emotional battles, but physical ones too. Again. If she can do it, so can I.

I don’t want to diminish the pain of self-loathing but in my new attempt at restoring some positive thoughts, I’m making an effort to focus on the gifts in my life, like family, friends and physical health.

So, how to accept and not loathe what you make?

Before I start any creative pursuit, especially the ones I know might trigger me, try the following:

Put on some music that you love. Dance a little and shake out any tension.
Light a candle and take a few deep breaths. Close your eyes if possible and visualise releasing all expectations. You might want to see your high expectations as a prickly seed pod that you place on a large leaf and send it floating away down a nearby stream. Or perhaps you can visualise an elephant stopping on it and crushing it to pieces. Whatever works for you.
Grab an A5 or A4 piece of paper, and in large letters, write, “Whatever comes out of my efforts today, will help me move forward”, and place the paper next to where you’re working. Look at it regularly especially when those icky feelings start bubbling up into your head.

The last point is important. My well-meaning friends and mentors were right, the only way to improve is to practice. At times the work will sing, at other times it will totally suck! But, the key is to nuture that growing seed of determination and strength, channel your inspirational person and keep going!

I’ve realised that as we improve, we will naturally want to push the boundary a little, so in effect, we are constantly beginners. But, each time we master a skill, we are one step further up the ladder. Here’s the thing, the climb upwards never ends if we are to pursue growth and improvement.

Don’t be disheartened by that last comment. It’s also ok to stop and enjoy the view for a while when you succeed at reaching the next step. Just remember that the gift of climbing a staircase is that you are going up, and the view is way better up there.

Accepting even our ‘ugly’ work is essential to improving. Without ‘mistakes’ we don’t know what works and what doesn’t. So keep gently climbing friends and I hope the self-loathing eases and the visual dysmorphia morphs into loving eyes that see things as they really are, not distortions from old demons.

The Joy And Pain Of Making Art

Posted on April 13, 2021 by Wisdom Elements

Why you shouldn’t allow perfectionism stop you from the joy and healing benefits of making art.

Photo by **RF._.studio** from **Pexels**

“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche

Aaaah! The creative journey. What a joy and what a right old pain!

Somewhere around 2000, 2006, 2018 and 2021, I took up and dropped art making. I’ve made numerous attempts at following that unrelenting creative call but with little success, until now.

When I’d see a beautiful piece of art, whether it was printed fabric, street art or a glazed pot, I’d feel immediate joy. Visual art lit up my inner globe and I really wanted to be part of this creative world. But time and again, I’d start with enthusiasm and a basket full of tools and materials, only to see me, and my art supplies, languish on the shelf of promises unkept, gathering dust and being forgotten. There was an inner love/hate conflict that I struggled to resolve.

Despite my strong desire, what was it that continually stopped me?

It was Perfectionism with a capital P. Pure and simple. Sadly perfectionism is anything but pure or simple and at its zenith can be highly destructive. Yes, it’s good to strive for the best possible outcome, especially if you’re a brain surgeon, and even when making art. You want your painting to include the right mix of colours, values, shapes etc. but, chronic perfectionists who are creative, may stop making art altogether because they continually find fault in everything they create. This is especially crippling for beginners like me. The toxicity of perfectionism can affect any field of endeavour, but it’s particularly nasty in the creative world.

Chronic perfectionism and creativity are like water and oil. They don’t mix. Artists who are free of perfectionism will for starters have a go, they’ll try different materials, new techniques and push the boundaries of their craft. Artists with a message will push themselves out of their comfort zone and society’s restrictive boundaries, using their art to draw our attention to important issues.

Whether you’re an artist or not, perfectionism can make you sick, mentally and physically. I speak from experience here. It was perfectionism that landed me with a chronic illness that’s had a lasting effect on my health.

So where does perfectionism start and why does it help to know its origins? According to goodtherapy.org, there are a number of factors that can lead to perfectionism . They can include, “Frequent fear of disapproval from others or feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Mental health issues like anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).” I would suggest that anxiety and OCD can result from striving for perfectionism and it’s destructive cousin, control. We have far less control on our lives than we are led to believe. An issue for later exploration.

The reason why it helps to get to know our unconscious beliefs, is that unlike when we were children, as adults we can question the beliefs we’ve inherited and ask if they are true, if they are valid and if they are helpful and contribute to our wellbeing.

When I look back, I see that my well-meaning parents grew up in fearful environments and that mistakes were not tolerated, so they strived for perfection through control. While both my parents tried to change some of the behaviours they’d learnt, they still harboured some deeply embedded beliefs that were passed on to their offspring.

Children are learning machines and they learn through trial and error. Trying not to make mistakes is not only unnatural, it’s impossible. Avoiding mistakes can often be a catalyst for developing anxiety. Mistakes or what I like to call ‘learning opportunities’ can be good for you. As my partner says to his staff, “If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not trying hard enough.” He knows that innovation, which comes from creative thinking, requires pushing boundaries and going into the unknown. This might lead to good outcomes and not so good ones, but if you don’t try something new, you’ll remain stuck in the old.

Children may also develop perfectionist tendencies if they fear care-giver disapproval which they may equate with not being loved. Disapproval triggers the need to do the ‘right thing’ again and again, and not make mistakes. This hyper-vigilance for mistakes is exhausting!

Perfectionism is why I stopped and started making art so many times. I wanted to make art and yet, I found a million excuses to stop. I never paused to look at those excuses until I was forced to do so through a health crisis. Eckhart Tolle refers to life’s hardships and suffering as opportunities for growth. So with poor health in hand, I began to explore my love-hate relationship with art.

What I found was that for years my hidden perfectionist monster was in the driver’s seat, always pushing me to strive for the impossible. I often had dreams about being the passenger in a driverless, out-of-control car which usually ended in a crash. I think my subconscious mind was trying to tell me that I was not in charge of my life, and instead old programming from childhood was in control. My parents are good people but they experienced really difficult childhoods and their desire for their children to have better (perfect) lives, embedded an unconscious message that mistakes were dangerous and to be avoided at all costs. And yet, not being real about life and knowing that you learn through mistakes, is what’s dangerous. For me it cost me my health.

When did I finally notice that ‘Mr Perfect’ was in charge? In 2006, when my physical health took a nose dive. I was extremely sick, thousands of miles from home, with two young children and I struggled. I became depressed, had panic attacks and my once simmering anxiety blew into chronic generalised anxiety. I wasn’t just afraid of art making, I became afraid of everything.

Mostly house-bound and unable to do work, I finally had an excuse to pursue my art again. Yes, I needed an excuse. Not only does perfectionism expect perfection, it also thinks that art making is frivolous and a time waster. Surely there are more important things to do than make art, right? Well, no actually, especially when it’s what you were born to do.

So, how do we move forward knowing that we are chronic perfectionists?

Well, funnily enough, the answer lies in making art. Yep, it’s a bit of a circular process, but the spiral will move up if you let it.

Firstly, let’s recap. Reaching for unrealistic perfectionism can lead to anxiety. One of the remedies for anxiety is to find pursuits that get you into the zone, e.g. exercise, mediation, making art etc. We know that art can be problematic because often the idea/image we have in our head may end up different to what we create, this is especially true for beginners. We will make great and not so great art. This happens to professional artists too! It’s all part of the process. This is what I’m learning right now. As one of my favourite artists Kim Herringe often reminds me, “By making art you learn, and you learn by making art.”

Creativity is a messy pursuit and the perfectionist needs get in the back seat and let your art flow. If you have the space, spread out all your materials and create multiple works simultaneously. Move from one to another making marks. Don’t overthink it. Embody your five-year-old and have fun. Eventually, your child-like nature will start to come out of the closet.

A reminder before you start your art

Here’s what I do. Before I start, I remind myself that I’m a beginner. If you’re an experienced artists still struggling with perfectionism, then remind yourself that each day/project you start is a beginning. Each moment is new and anything is possible. If the results please you, then thank your creative muse and treat yourself for the wonderful outcome. Chocolate always works for me. BUT, if the outcome is less pleasing, then thank yourself for showing up, for having a go and not binge-watching TV or pursuing some other distracting past time. Give thanks for the learning opportunity that comes from every attempt.

What if….?

The other amazing thing I learnt from other artists is to ask the question, ‘What if…?’ Perfectionism often had me frozen in fear. Fear of making a mistake on a clean sheet of paper, of ‘wasting’’ the paints, pencils, crayons, you name it. I’ve been so paralysed with the fear of ‘messing up’ that I couldn’t even make a start.

Here’s the irony. Artists make art by making a mess and asking, ‘What if..?’

‘What if I add some red paint to this?’ Or, ‘What if I tear the edge of the paper, and rub the paper against the concrete with a crayon and see what marks it get?’ These questions release you from an anxiety provoking outcome. Creativity becomes an exploratory process which is freeing because you just don’t know what you’re going to get. You can’t get a perfect result when you don’t know what the result will be.

Remember every time you try something new, you learn. That’s the whole purpose of the exercise isn’t it? To learn something new, not perfection. Eventually all that learning becomes a skill and we get the improvements we are striving for, not perfection.

That’s the other thing I’m discovering. Perfectionism often wants a quick fix, rapid rise to glory, it hates appearing imperfect. It hates the pain of being less-than but again, art is here to tell us that we can improve our skills. It just takes hard work and the good P’s, Practice and Patience and eventually we’ll become a little bit more our perfectly authentic selves. ????

I hope that today is the day you reach deep into your heart and find your creative voice, allow it to speak and spend time in the light. I know you’ll feel better for it.

There is no ‘right’ way to make art. The only wrong is in not trying. Not doing. Don’t put barriers up that aren’t there — just get to work and make something.”
Lisa Golightly

The Start of a New Journey

Posted on November 24, 2020 by Wisdom Elements

“The only journey is the one within.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke

The lovely people who signed up to my blog will be surprised to suddenly find a new post landing in their inbox. Yes, it’s been a while. Yes, a disjointed life has happened and not just thanks to COVID.

It’s surprising how chaos can refocus our attention. There is nothing like a global pandemic to take your carefully laid out plans and toss them to the wind, without a care where they land.

To say we’ve all been destabilised is an understatement, and while it has had a devastating effect on many people, it has also forced us to wake up from our sleepy mind-numbing lives and see if there are any roses left to smell. How often do we follow the same routine every day without a thought about what other roads we could take, even if it’s just a temporary detour?

These thoughts have percolated in my mind for months now. As another year progresses, I ask if I’m progressing. Like anyone who engages in the hard work of self-awareness, the changes can seem slow in coming ,but eventually our long arduous walk surprises us, as we discover we’ve reached the peak of yet another mountain.

As regular readers of this blog will know I’ve struggled to walk the steep incline towards wellness. While I’m grateful for some progress, what I found at the top of my mountain was that while I may not have perfect health, I have improved a little. Surprisingly it was my state of mind that improved the most. It’s because I’ve finally accepted where I am on the journey and am working towards integrating the lessons.

If you’re on a similar journey, be it issues with health, work or relationships, have you found peace where you are right now? This isn’t an easy journey, especially in the midst of a pandemic, but is truly worth pursuing. If you’d like to explore this idea further, you can read my small offering on acceptance and surrender.

Many of us have been waiting for a post-covid normal. It will never happen, because pandemics like all big life events, can never return to their starting point, or what we call ‘normal’. Big shake ups never leave us unchanged. While change can be harrowing, we must allow change for our own growth and to do that we must keep moving forward, even if the unknown is a little frightening.

For years, I’ve been waiting for my health to return to normal, hoping that the virus that invaded my body and caused mayhem, may have left, and taken its damaged cells with it. After a decade and little change, I have to accept that this is my ‘new normal’ body. In other words, a body now controlled by Irritable Bowel Syndrome and its cousin, Generalised Anxiety is the new me now.

Living with covid and different physical body, sets new limitations but it doesn’t stop us living altogether. I realise that I have to accept what I can’t do, but also what I can and to focus only on the latter. This means ending excuses that stop me doing things that have scared me. The covid pandemic taught me that ‘having time to do things’ is an illusion. Regardless of whether we have a pandemic or not, we never know how long we have to live and so, each day is PRECIOUS!

I began asking what I’d been putting off because of fear. What do I always fill my spare time with so that I don’t do the things I really love? Where do I procrastinate and why? For me, the answer is always around creativity. Creativity is something I love but I’m afraid I’ll have no talent for. I’m sure I’m not alone here. Since childhood, I’ve adored colour and textures. Like most children, I created because I just had to. There was no agenda, no deadline (unless it was a birthday card), no outcome to achieve. Nothing. It was simply the act of being!

Fears that were hiding in my mind sabotaged me and stopped me from following my heart. In fact, I’d been shut down for so long, that I no longer remembered what filled me with joy. I decided to explore the mental viruses that had lived in my head since childhood. I took lockdown as an opportunity to open up my mind and see where I’d cut myself off from my true nature.

As a counsellor, I often heard about children’s dreams and ambitions being quashed by well-meaning but often unaware parents. If our passions fell outside the normal set of rules to study and get a job, then fearful parents couldn’t understand how a child’s love to create fantastic stick sculptors might lead to anything. But that child might one day, in their own time, become an architect, or civil engineer, or even a sculptor. The latter is often the less desirable one because a parent might be concerned about their child’s ability to earn a living from something beautiful, but useful?

We’ll leave the usefulness of art for another post, suffice to say that what a child or young person chooses to spend their time on may not match the ideals of the parent. So, parents often unwittingly allow their fears around what jobs are worthy or prestigious, crush a child’s hopes. It’s not just parents who burst a child’s passions. I’d heard an artist say that they were told by their high school art teacher that they had no talent, so the young student gave up art. Two decades later this man discovered that his teacher was wrong and his own heart was right. He is now a successful artist.

If parents didn’t dismiss creativity altogether, then they could be highly critical of the outcome. Unlike solving a problem where there is a right and wrong answer, art is very subjective. Parents who don’t understand their children, may not understand the messages they are trying to convey in their creative work. Unkind comments from a parent can shut down a child’s creativity immediately. Comments like, ‘That’s not what a house looks like’, or ‘Perhaps you might try some other activity. I don’t think this is for you.’ Both these comments imply that the child doesn’t have the capacity and permission to:

a) be a beginner

b) to improve

c) express their vision of the world their way

While I didn’t have anyone criticise my artwork directly, I did develop an agonising fear around making mistakes. My parents tried their best to help us kids develop a desire to succeed where they had not, but this put undue pressure to always do well, do things right and by extension, not make mistakes. This thinking permeated my life. As a natural creative, this meant an inability to create art of any form and perfectionism became my unrelenting bedfellow. The demands of perfectionism were also matched by a need to do it right the first time and now! So, the combination of creating something amazing, the first time and quickly resulted in a creative shutdown.

It’s taken me years to understand this, and now that I do, I can work on creating change. Knowing is one thing, acting on it is another. I’ve wasted enough precious time so in this, the crazy year of the pandemic, I’m having a go.

I feel prepared to take the first step into creativity. I’m not sure what it will look like and for once, I don’t care. I’m going to throw my well-intentioned plans out with the pandemic winds. Spontaneity is my new mantra. I’m reaching my hand out to the past, hoping that my feisty and imaginative little self isn’t too deeply hidden so that we can join hands and finally let her creative voice be heard.

What song remains unsung in your heart? If you’ve lost touch with your creative self, then I hope you’ll join me on this journey of discovery.

At what point do we say, “Yes I am that”

Posted on September 1, 2017 by Wisdom Elements

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“Life is a lively process of becoming” Douglas Macarthur

Recently, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen for some time, at a small local art show where she was displaying her beautiful ceramic work. I was in awe of her skill and courage to purse a more challenging vocation in the arts, rather than her formerly safe job as a teacher. As I excitedly embraced her, I said, “I didn’t know you’d be here today.” To which she replied, “It’s good to see you too, and you should be here too.”

In a rather diminished and child-like voice I said, “I’d love to…maybe…one day.” The rather different response inside my head instead was “Um, duh, No. Why would I be here. I don’t have anything to offer. I’m not a bona fide artist. I’m not formally trained in any medium, why would I be here?”

But then I thought, hang on a minute, over the past few years haven’t I’ve tried my hand at ceramics, photography, sewing and print making and writing. Surely this counts for something, and isn’t there a clue here as to what my passion might be?

While I hadn’t been prepared to call myself anything remotely “arty”, I have been in exploration mode, looking for a new world in which I want my future self to inhabit. The journey into creativity isn’t an easy one for people with low self-belief. Criticism is rife in our world at the best of times, sadly, it is deeply intrenched in the world of creativity. I was beginning to tire of pretending that I wasn’t creative so, I’ve decided I am going to give myself permission to…

Mess around and waste time, paint and/or fabric or whatever other materials, as I practice, practice, practice
Try different creative pursuits, mediums, techniques
And EXPLORE!

Explore! Remember that thing we used to do as kids. Get dirty, climb things, cut and paste anything we could get our hands on, and sticking them to anything and everything we could find. We’d try this with a dash of that and then asked, what if I turn it upside down, or inside out, add a little salt, or soil or a beautiful leaf that’s just been offered to us by the autumnal apple tree in our backyard? “What if?”, is what we constantly asked. We didn’t look for outcomes. We looked for solutions in the process itself. Creativity in childhood is a vibrant, courageous and brilliant time. But sadly, as we get older, some of us can lose this precious skill, this gift.

As soon as I had a quiet moment I explored my ideas around how I saw myself in relation to creativity. I realised that when I got my ego out of the way, and it’s demands for impossible standards of skill and qualifications, that I was slowly growing a nice little body of creative work that wouldn’t look out of place at a small local art show. Importantly, despite not having a Doctorate in creativity, I can at least call myself an Artist-in-training and heaven forbid, even display some of my work!

So far there have been a few wins in the photography stakes, particular success with one of my favourite subjects, flowers. That’s one of my babies at the top of this post. And with each blog I write, there is often a “like” here or there, so my writing can’t be too bad either.

Then I thought I’d try my hand at a long burning desire to screen print on fabric. While these first attempts are quite simple, I just fell in love with the vibrancy and joy that comes from even the simplest of designs. I also love the tactile nature of this process and you get to see the results immediately. This simple leaf design has become one of my favourites and as it’s printed on a tea towel, it makes drying the dishes just that little bit more pleasurable. I did say a little bit!

The print below was made by creating simple butterfly cut outs from the cheapest of cheap materials, newspaper! I started with orange on one side and blue on the other and then one of those happy accidents happened, and the two colours began to blend, creating a beautiful purple in the middle. Who would have thought!

The person who couldn’t call herself creative or artistic also made quilts, various other funky bags and soft toys. The list seems to grow the more I look!

She who has struggled to call herself creative also crocheted these baskets and then as I looked at what else I’ve crocheted, the list grows here too.

It’s so easy to forget what we have achieved over time, to dismiss the many things we have tried or created simply because we don’t consider ourselves “qualified”. If you grew up with little emotional support, or for whatever reason suffer with low self esteem, you too might also be very hard on yourself and think that what you achieve is never enough. I know that my crochet basket photo is not perfect, and that I’ve probably made a few mistakes in writing this post, but I’ve decided to leave a few flaws here and there. There is no longer room in my life for perfectionism because it affected my health, and I’m certainly not wasting any more time waiting for the day when I’m supremely qualified or perfect. It might matter if you’re a brain surgeon but I’m not a surgeon who works on bodies, my work is in the mind and why we think what we think. Which is why I’m exploring an old/new passion, exploring vulnerability by exposing my work and my journey, and learning to be brave through creativity and seeing where it takes me.

So when someone asks me what I’m “doing with myself these days”, I’ll bravely reply that I’m a CREATIVE-IN-TRAINING. I will no longer skirt around the issue or make excuses for what I do. With my brave boots on, I step forward into my ever evolving life.

I invite you to join me in declaring what it is that you love, and finding ways that you can become at one with that thing that you love.

Don’t waste another day not living as a whole person.

It’s your life. Live it wholly and fully.

The cure in creativity

Posted on July 28, 2017 by Wisdom Elements

“At the deepest level, the creative process and the healing process arise from a single source. When you are an artist, you are a healer.”

Rachel Naomi Remen

Some time ago, a woman with an astonishing and uncanny ability to tune into my mind and heart, suggested I look at creativity as a way to promote physical healing. Despite her spookily accurately psychic skills, I politely thanked her for her advice, but long-standing physical health issues like mine, required a more aggressive approach like supplements, continuous mindfulness, mediation, eating all the “right” foods, and working with a naturopath and/or integrative doctor. Oh, and don’t forget a good dose of self-help books, workshops and courses. Sounds exhausting doesn’t it? And yet, for ten years, that was my modus operandi, and yes, I was exhausted on all levels. If you listen to the many experts, particularly the social media medical “experts”, mine was the textbook approach for holistic health and I, was its number one student. At times I made some progress, only to take one step forward and two steps back. It’s been slow and frustrating and didn’t really create the change I knew I needed.

In fairness, the one thing I didn’t do well was meditation. Sitting for 20 minutes or more left my legs feeling numb and I found the whole process painful. Chronic thinkers have great battles during meditation. I know, I know, the battle is a sure sign we need it more than most people, but this ongoing battle wasn’t getting me anywhere. That’s when I thought I’d try the other thing I’d been resisting and that was take the psych’s advice and try creativity.

Since leaving childhood behind, I became estranged from any form of artistic pursuit. Not because I wasn’t interested, but because my carefree childhood evolved into adulthood shackled by perfectionism. Like oil and water, perfectionism and creativity don’t mix. It’s basic chemistry and you can’t change that, but you can transform it.

Two years ago, my daughter began sewing classes. I watched with envy as each week, she brought home wonderful new creations, resplendent in vibrant and funky fabrics. I’ve never had a desire to learn to sew, and yet, something about the art of making, the attraction of beautiful fabrics and the joy of holding something you created kept pulling at me. I knew then that creativity, the thing I’d been trying to ignore had finally found a way to reach me, handcuffed me and wouldn’t let go.

Despite my chronic perfectionism issues, I found the courage to dive in. Things went well for a while because as a beginner, I could rationalise that mistakes were natural when learning a new skill. But as time went on, the mistakes naturally continued, as each new project had it’s own challenges, and some days my brain malfunctioned due to chronic insomnia. This is where the battle to transform perfectionism into creativity really began.

My programmed mind repeated it’s well worn howl that I was hopeless, incompetent and why couldn’t I remember things like everyone else. On and on it went, but something had shifted in me. A little voice said, “I’ve had enough”. There are times in our life when we reach a crossroad. We’ve learnt enough to know that these intersections represent the opportunity for deep, profound change. But do we have the courage to take the path never travelled, to step into the darkness of a new and as yet unknown path? I decided that I’d had enough of doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome, and following the old road that got me nowhere. It was time for something different.

So in that moment of angst, as I sewed another row of stitching that had to be unpicked, again, I stood on the threshold and took a deep breath. I quickly processed the thoughts in my mind. “Here’s the chance for change kiddo”, my little voice said, trying to be heard over the perfectionist mind. “Take the stitch unpicker, breath deeply and in a meditative and mindful way, gently unpick the stitches. Go on, you can do it.” And so I did.

keep-calm-and-get-the-seam-ripper-2 — Image: keep calm-o-matic.co.uk

Two things happened here. Firstly, I found that I could use the “mistake” to not only rip the stitches out of my perfectionism trait, but secondly, I could use this as my kind of meditation. I know that mediation is very good for stress reduction and for general health, but with my hyperactive mind, I needed to find another entry point. Unpicking stitches did that for me, as did the process of sewing. This might sound strange to non sewers, but there is something therapeutic in the chugging rhythm of a sewing machine.

I won’t lie and say this process was easy because it wasn’t. With each stitch, my mind would try to derail me with constant little snide remarks. “Careful you don’t rip the fabric. Is anyone else unpicking their work? I can’t believe we have to do this again?” But just as we do in meditation, I watched the thoughts, let them pass and went back to work.

My process of discovery, of healing through creativity is just beginning. While I’ve never recovered my health completely, I have made progress. But more than physical progress, I’ve made emotional and spiritual progress. I’m better able to deal with physical ailments but importantly, I live a more peaceful life, regardless of my physical health. And that is the true gift I found in creativity.

Is there something your heart has been calling you to follow that you might be ignoring? Perhaps today you can take one small step into exploring this call.

“Creativity is intelligence having fun.” – Albert Einstein

A time to stop. A time to listen.

Posted on June 9, 2017 by Wisdom Elements

“Let there be an opening into the quiet that lies beneath the chaos, where you find the peace you did not think possible and see what shimmers beneath the storm.” John O’Donohue

For some time now, I’ve been pushing, twisting, doing mental somersaults all in an effort to find some kind of direction. Hence why it’s been a while between posts. I’ve written about this previously, and while I found that there was some confirmation that I was perhaps onto something, nothing has shown itself as my true North.

One idea was to perhaps take my fledgeling creative purists to another level by doing some formal training, that way I could confidently say I am a this or a that. Yes, I have a bit of an issue with being “qualified” as a way of legitimising myself. Not ideal, I know, but the universe has a way of nudging us, sometimes imperceptibly in the right direction. There are hints galore if we take a moment to notice. Each path I pursued trying to find the “right” artistic course, hit a road block. Nothing seemed to fit what I needed. People wouldn’t respond to my requests for information or the courses were in the wrong part of the country or had already begun.

I thought perhaps that I may have been barking up the wrong tree, but then I realised I was doing that thing that I always do, and that is to go straight for the Gold medal, for the qualifications, for the legitimate recognition, even before I’d allowed myself to play, to experiment and explore my new crush.

There are two aspects to my angst. One aspect I know is shared amongst many creatives and perfectionists and it’s the need to feel “legitimate”. For me, this slippery path leads right back to self esteem. The need to feel like I’m not wasting time or resources, because there is a “worth” issue here. Also the need to make sure I’m the best I can be and quickly, because perfectionists hate the messy, explorative birthing time that comes from the creative process, and yet, it is that very same messy exploration that helps cure perfectionists of “imposter syndrome”.

It is the creative process that cures us of those barb wire covered walls that we build up around ourselves. The walls that we put up to protect ourselves from what was for some of us, an over supply of criticism and a scant offering of praise. As children, many of us didn’t receive all the tools we needed from our caregivers to become compassionate, courageous and confident people. As adults, through our life’s challenges and with insight, we can gift ourselves empowering thought processes and become centred and resilient adults.

At the moment, my life seems to be filled by nothing but roadblocks or dead ends. I grumbled about my obstacles to a friend, who suggested that it might be a time of transition, a time where, like an empty, unploughed field, we need to be in fallow, to rest, to allow the soil to be filled with helpful microbes and critters. To try and plant too early will produce a weak crop, but to wait, means a greater chance of success.

There are times in our life when great changes are taking place, in our physical bodies, in our mental frameworks and deep down at the soul level. Unfortunately, for many of us, our connection to the seasons, to the cosmic cycles and our own milestones have all but disappeared in our 24/7 lives. We often miss the signals that alert us to slow down or to start something new, or that something is changing. To notice and celebrate the many and varied stages in a human life.

I’m a victim of the 24/7 life cycle and so for “doers” like me, being still is about as easy as trying to prevent a child from bouncing on a trampoline. Many of us find it hard to remain in limbo, to trust that there is some kind of cosmic force working behind the scenes, getting things ready for our next incarnation. Ready to reveal a new door to an unknown destination.

These interruptions to our “normal programming” are signs that we are being called to make new choices. We can think the same thoughts, do the same things and therefore remain stuck in the same old patterns of thinking and being. Or, we can try to push through the painful process of birth and emerge as a new born, with new ideas and a more expanded view of ourselves. It is by changing our beliefs and our thoughts that we can expand into a greater, wiser self. While changing our long held beliefs can be challenging, once we’re alert to our faulty way of thinking, there is no going back. To be aware is to know. To not act on it, is to create suffering for ourselves.

Dumping an old, outdate part of ourselves isn’t always easy, but if we don’t embrace that which is asking to be born, we create turmoil in our minds and over the longer term, this can often lead to a breakdown in health and/or relationships.

So how do we navigate our way forward when we are becalmed and seemingly going nowhere? Here’s what I do. In my 24/7 life I lacked dedication to my meditation practice, but when my life seems suspended in limbo, I ramp up my meditation and mindfulness practice. Some days it’s challenging to be still, so I use creative practices such as photography, gardening or sewing as my practice. Some people use cooking, walking, riding a bike, colouring in; the form and practice don’t matter.

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What does matter is finding a way of becoming aware of the chatter in your mind. Often it will resist the very things we need to change. The mind can provide valuable clues as to what needs addressing. The “zone” as people often refer to it, is a place where we can not only realise own own harmful thinking, but again, paradoxically, it is also the place of inspiration and navigation. Direction, guidance, ideas, all that we seek resides in this place. It is the place of our wise soul. We just need stillness to access it and to be brave enough to follow its guidance.

If you are feeling growing pains right now, like your feet are stuck in mud, gift yourself some time to really tune in to how you feel about different aspects of your life. There is no need to make rash decisions, just listen for a while and then explore what other possibilities exist outside of your current world. There may be something about to bloom out of the darkness.

May stillness bring you clarity and direction.

Namaste.

Throwing Caution, Paths and Purpose to the Wind

Posted on April 5, 2017 by Wisdom Elements

storm2

I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination – Jimmy Dean

Today, as I write this, the wind is blowing ferociously, the remnants of a tropical cyclone. The wind also acts as a great metaphor for this post because, today, I have let go of the need for a path or purpose, of a mind constantly searching, and instead have thrown myself at the mercy of the wind, allowing it to guide me. It’s a leap of faith.

In today’s world, not seeking direction sounds like madness. How can one be happy about not finding their purpose? Isn’t it the holy grail, the thing that will make us happy?” Well, yes and no.

Yes, we all like to know why we’re here, how we are to use the gifts we are given, and not waste time going down multiple “wrong” roads.

No, because seeking “the” path and purpose is not only exhausting, it can actually throw us off track, off our path. Confused? So was I, which is why it has taken me over a decade and a battle with poor health to get a handle on this.

Here’s what I’ve learnt. Years ago, a wise teacher told me that as a perfectionist, I wanted to know “every damned step” before I made a move. At the time I thought, well yeah, of course, I do, otherwise how can I know which way to go, right? She also said, “The steps only appear, once you make the first move.” At the time, this made no sense. How can I step forward if I can’t see where I’m supposed to step?

Well, the secret is in stepping where there is no step. Sounds crazy but stay with me. I’ve learnt that we often don’t get a billboard with arrows saying “Go this way”. Instead, we have to make the first move in whatever direction “feels” right and then the next step appears.

This is where intuition comes in. It’s that gentle sensation, like butterfly wings that flutter around your heart, hinting that you’re onto something. It doesn’t give exact instructions, just a feeling, a hint to use our soul as a weather vane, see which way it’s pointing, then head in that direction, no instructions, just follow the breeze. When we take the first step, if it’s in alignment with our soul’s desire, and not just our head, then the universe will reveal the next step. It’s our reward for being brave, trusting, and using “feeling” as a compass, not just logic.

Intuitive Processes and Creativity

Here’s how this intuitive process worked for me. Regular readers know that 10 years of poor health forced me to examine how my thoughts were impacting my life and health. Perfectionism is bad for your health and your career. I could no longer work in my field of marketing communications, or do much else. On the advice of a stranger, I took up a creative pursuit. Mine was sewing. The stranger also suggested not doing it as a career or creating a business, but simply as an exploratory process. I had no idea what she meant. Perfectionists only do things that have useful outcomes, but being unwell, I had no choice but to do art for art’s sake.

Stepping into the creative unknown, I had no idea how or why it would help, just that I should trust my gut and follow this lead. Creativity restored my connection to my intuition, calmed my mind, and allowed new insights to emerge. My health improved enough for me to consider my other passion, protecting our beautiful planet. But in what capacity? The next invisible step was about to emerge.

Recently I saw a story on the environmental impact of plastic bags and decided to stop moaning, take action, and find an organisation I could help lobby for a ban on plastic bags. My search led me to the website of the not-for-profit group, Wildlife Preservation Society of Queensland. They help protect wildlife, their habitats and campaigned against plastic bags. Something about their website attracted me, like a hidden force. It was a heart flutter moment that prompted me to call and see if they needed a volunteer. I spoke to the lovely manager who gratefully accepted my help. I felt an instant connection.

Remember, if we take the first intuitive step, the universe will reveal the next. It did for me. The manager said they welcomed all help, but desperately needed someone with marketing communications skills. Bingo! When I surrendered the need to know the path, magic happened. I was happy to help make coffee but instead, the universe gifted me the chance to use my work experience and do something purposeful. As an added bonus, and to confirm I was in the right place, I discovered that the manager and I both share a love of sewing.

While I still have poor health days, challenges managing teenagers, and juggling the needs of a family, relinquishing the search for a purpose has led to internal peace. When I gave up the need to know, a purpose found me. And it’s not to say that this is “the purpose”, it’s what is right for me right now. It’s all about letting go and letting be(come).

Intuition is your greatest gift. If you can’t feel guidance, make time to be still for at least 5-10 minutes every day, whatever time you can spare. Don’t discount the advice of family and friends and your own mind, but always check in with your internal compass and see which way it’s pointing, because your heart and soul will always be your best guides towards your next step.

Have you felt any flutters that might be trying to guide you?

How creativity saved me

Posted on March 22, 2017 by Wisdom Elements

Creativity is Intelligence Having Fun

Albert Einstein

When I first began my blog, I was in a very dark place. Ten years of undiagnosed chronic illness can strip away any sense of self, leaving you empty and bare. Nature hates a vacuum and so with my former life gone, I had to find other ways to exist in the world. The diminishing effects of illness forced me to find a way life and that takes time and a whole lot of exploration.

crochet

Being too unwell to do anything strenuous, my exploration led me to crochet, which surprised me as I was not a crafty/creative type of person. At least that’s what I told myself. As someone who had enjoyed life in the exciting world of broadcast media, music and public relations, I never imagined that crochet could ever bring me joy or satisfaction. The remarkable thing is that it brought me these and so much more.

Without realising it, I found myself slowly being engulfed, in a nice way, by the peace and stillness that comes from creativity. Learning a new skill requires concentration, making it a great way to still the mind. The rhythmic process of creating stitch after stitch makes your body feel like it’s floating in a beautiful calm sea. Watching a skein of wool slowly morph into a beautiful blanket is simply magical. It has become a tangible way for me to express and engage in creating beauty in the world. While creativity is a powerful way of bringing attention to social issues, it can also be a sublime way of connecting with the heart of our creative souls.

pot plants.jpg

Engaging in a creative pursuit, whether it is gardening, cooking, designing houses, writing etc. has the potential to heal and open a path to self discovery. The health benefits include the calming effects of mindfulness because most creative acts require concentration so your mind can’t wander, worrying about your colleague’s rude comment, your shopping list, or that you forgot to call your mother. Your craft will demand your attention and in doing so, will put you into “The Zone”. Activities like gardening also have the added benefit of injecting you with sunshine, fresh air and a chance to exchange your negative energy for some positive earth giving power. Dancing is good for the heart, body and mind. Learning new dance steps stimulates the mind, music uplifts and inspires us, and emotionally, we benefit from the social interaction that comes from participating in group activities.

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As a strongly visual person, I love seeing images that excite my brain and soul. Colour excites me and I easily lose myself in a sea of psychedelic rainbow. Colour and beautiful pictures bring peace and tranquility in what can at times, can seem like a harsh world, where we are increasingly surrounded by concrete and other hard and unnatural materials and structures. That’s why I strive to incorporate as many beautiful images in my posts as I can. I know that I feel uplifted by beautiful photos and artwork and so I want to fill my readers with not just inspiring words, but also with colour, magic and wonder, and a smattering of wisdom, when I find it.

flowers

Have you explored the power of creativity? If you are one of many people who feel intimidated by the idea of doing something creative, then start small. Place a bunch of wildflowers in a vase, bake a cake, or buy a colourful plant for your home. These are all acts of creativity. Start small. Don’t overthink it. Feel it and see where it takes you.

Wishing you a creatively explorative day. 🙂

The Ending is a New Beginning

Posted on December 15, 2016 by Wisdom Elements

“God Smiles When You Be You.” – Rick Warren

As we approach the end of another year, I was tempted to do a review and re-examination of the past year, but this time I resisted the urge. As a chronic over thinker, I tend to review each waking minute of every day, and for once I decided that this practice was no longer necessary. It appears that the merry-go-round of examining outcomes, cost/benefit analysis and trying to extrapolate valuable data so as to prevent future mistakes was finally coming to an end. Why? Because I decided it had to stop.

Years of analysis, doctors, naturopaths, acupuncturists, homeopaths, not to mention nutritionists, eating plans, exercise plans and hundreds of books on the mind and spirituality, all helped me gain an understanding and awareness of how my thoughts impacted my health. However, eventually you reach the pointy end of your journey where you choose to stay stuck or to step out, usually into unknown territory.

My foreign land is in the realm of feelings. I am unfamiliar and unaccustomed to letting go. Letting go of what I thought I was and how I defined myself, which was usually through the prism of work and/or the praise worthy demonstration of some unique talent. Chronic illness allows you to do neither of these. You loose your work and as for gaining lavish praise for your unique talent? Forget it! Some days, the best thing you can do is get out of bed gracefully. Believe me, when you’re sick, it’s a huge achievement.

Photography is one way I am experimenting in creativity

And so, with identity stripped away, it seems there is little left but skin and bones and this is where the yucky void is to be found. Many of us avoid it like the plague by indulging in too much liquor, drugs, sex, food, worry, extreme sports, anything that keeps us from ourselves.

The point of no return

But I’d had enough. I wanted out of my old and battered life and to embrace something different -to try on a new coat, something technicolour and funky. It was my point of no return. Once you’ve seen a glimpse of your true self, you can never return unchanged. It’s like trying to fit into your old size 8 jeans when you have outgrown them by 3 sizes.

So what I glimpsed was an understanding about how I’m wired. I am a left and a right brainer. That means I have equal capacity to analyse (left brain) and to create (right brain). This is normally a good thing, except when your brain becomes unbalanced. I unwittingly let my left brain run my life. While the left loves knowledge it also loves to analyse, normally a handy skill, except when this is coupled with low self-esteem. In this case, the analyst can become a harsh critic and judge whenever a new activity is attempted. In my case, the critic became my ruler in all its definitions; both dominating, and in the way I measured myself and my work against others. My right brain has been trying for YEARS to restore the balance, seeking even the smallest crack in the wall that I’d built around my self-esteem to find release. It constantly sought opportunities to allow my creativity to spill forth and be expressed, but the harsh critic always shut me down. Any attempts at artistic endeavours were quickly abandoned because my first attempts were naturally never perfect. Sadly, it was through illness that I became aware of the imbalance. It’s the main reason this blog exists. I hope others will take heed and learn to honour and express all aspects of who they are.

So with this insight, I realised this imbalance was the result of hearing a few too many criticisms and not enough praise as I was growing up. No blame here. I know my parents had endured the same which is why they parented the way they knew how. So, knowing all this, where to from here?

Well, I know I have a kick-ass, pain in the butt critic but it’s my choice whether I listen or not. Perfectionism is an impossible master to please. In a recent attempt at a sewing project I made the same mistake twice. Truly a first world problem but to me, it triggered all the old feelings of shame and incompetence and I wanted to quit. But I dropped an arm into the ugly place of despair and pulled myself out before I hit the bottom.

Here’s what worked for me.

I call this process, “Project Hello Me”. I took a deep breath, reminded myself that I was a beginner and began to hum a jolly tune as I unpicked the work. I repeated the process when I made the same mistake and actually had enough awareness to realise that I was being given a wonderful gift, an opportunity to really test my new commitment to change. Repetition builds new neurones and brain pathways, and I wanted a major highway in my brain that built loving acceptance of both my mistakes, and my achievements.

The bottom line is that I am choosing to change records. I want my life to a play to a different tune.

woman records.jpg

I won’t lie and say that I’m cured. This is like learning to walk. It’s just the first step. My other Achilies’ heal is comparison. I see the brilliant work of experienced artisans and feel pathetically inadequate compared to them, but again, I refer myself to Project Hello Me and repeat the pattern of demolishing the old and creating the new.

Uncovering the Real Me

But what I’m really doing is not so much creating the new me, but rather, uncovering the “real me”. Looking through a clearer lens. Stripping away dusty old walls that have kept my true identity hidden from myself and others. Like most children, I built up walls to protect myself. I realise now that when something means so much to us, we feel we cannot risk having it destroyed by unaware adults whose criticisms, although well intentioned, can be completely misinterpreted by young children. I never wanted to risk trying something creative in case it was a complete failure, hard to swallow when it means everything to you. But that’s a scared child’s interpretation. A loved and secure child will make and create just because they have to. And now, so will I.

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I wanted to set up the change even before the new year is welcomed in. I wanted the river to begin flowing now, I’ve wasted enough time. So I’ve begun to dabble, explore and investigate new possibilities. Always with what the Buddhists call, ‘The beginners mind’.

So as we leave 2016 behind and allow the events and memories to be added to the cache of the collective experience, I say thank you to you wonderful readers and followers for listening to my rants and raves, to my highs and lows and providing me with a forum in which to share my experiences and insights.

New years are often a great opportunity for change.

How can you embrace a more authentic version of yourself in 2017? What new experiences can you try your hand at to help you to find your true self?

My wish for you in 2017 is that you rediscover and reconnect with your authentic inner magnificence. And to remember that we are all a glittering facet of a greater cosmic diamond, that Divine force that creates all there is.

Wishing for you a safe and happy holiday and many joy-filled blessings in the New Year.

Namaste.

Beginners Perfection Curse

Posted on November 14, 2016 by Wisdom Elements

“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask, “What if I fall?” Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?” Erin Hanson

When I was little, like so many children I would try anything. I would attempt to fly, bake a cake with mud and flowers and paint and draw whatever inspired me at that moment. None of it attempted for money, praise or recognition. The beauty of childhood is that we do these things purely for the experience of the experience, for the ability to try something new, for the challenge of making the unknown into something known. It is a beautiful Divine existence that sadly, for many of us, will last a few of our precious early years of life before the flame is all but extinguished.

Readers of this blog will know of the angst I’ve felt as I’ve tried to negotiate my way through the maze of man-made thoughts ought to and shoulds, and back into the beautiful valley of Divine inspiration. My old ways of doing this was to simply become way too busy to make time for anything remotely creative, but a brush with poor health forced me away from the drone-like activity that had become daily life, and turned me back towards the winds of inspiration. Back into that time of childhood exploration.

child-photographer

Let me be upfront here and announce that while my intellect knows the process, knows the deal and the pitfalls, it’s still a challenging path to walk. I absolutely know that the only way to become better at something is to make a start and practice, practice, practice. Makes sense right? No one, not even Einstein was born knowing how to ride a bike, and yet, my loopy thought processes believed that it’s ok for others to be beginners, but just not me. Can anyone else relate to this kind of thinking? No beginners mind for this gal.

Being the ‘thought detective’ that I am, I wondered, why am I so damn hard on myself? Why do I expect to be perfect from the get go? What kind of unrealistic expectation is that, and where did it come from? And, how did I even realise there was a problem?

Well, I recently took up sewing and joined a class of beautiful sewing soul sisters. I love the therapeutic way the machine lulls you into ‘the zone’ and I get to play with beautiful fabrics which nourish my soul. I recently completed the main part of a small child’s quilt which I make to donate to a kids in need. The almost completed item just needed a few lines of decorative sewing to complete it, but the lines are random and require the sewer to let go and just sew a few swirly lines. The completion of this quilt hinged on six random lines of sewing and yet, I couldn’t do it. I procrastinated for days until I had to take action. The first attempt was ok as was the second but then I sewed a rather bad line. I stopped and felt myself tensing up, then without missing a beat, my brain, affectionately called ‘Tofu man’ started up. “You should have spent more time practicing. Look at the complex work the other ladies are doing and you can’t sew a few lines that don’t look like you’ve been binging on booze. You should just stop before you embarrass yourself”. On and on it went and worse still, it became more vicious as it continued. I took the quilt home and just stared at it, feeling numb. How could such a simple thing leave me feeling sad, defeated and empty?

I love sewing, I love being able to use my hobby to make things that I can gift those in need. I love the companionship of my sewing classes, but if I didn’t take control of Tofu man and his insatiable appetite for cruel criticism, I would end up giving away yet another thing I loved, all because of a bunch of inherited thoughts and beliefs. Wow, this was tricky territory. In the past I blamed my parents, after all, they were highly critical but to them, it was their way of helping me make the right decisions, to avoid mistakes that I would later regret. However, their fears were not my fears. They grew up during a long and brutal war, they never fulfilled their childhood dreams, they knew the world as being unpredictable and scary and so they sought to arm us kids with the necessary defences to protect ourselves. Problem is, all this does is lead to living life in fear, always waiting for something to go wrong, which it does if that’s what you focus on, and it removes any sense of trust that things might go right. It also blocks creativity because the act of creating requires imagination, courage and trust in oneself. So blaming parents was not going to get me anywhere. Instead, I found forgiveness and compassion more helpful, but it still didn’t remove my angst.

This is where the leap is required. I’ll be honest and say I hate the leap! I’d become so used to my companion of many years called the ‘Control freak’ that I’d developed that horrible condition called Stockholm syndrome, a psychological phenomenon in which a hostage develops empathy and positive feelings towards their captor. Despite the pain and suffering my control freak heaped upon me, I preferred to remain in the comfort of the know as opposed to leaping into the unknown, even though, deep down I knew that it was bound to be better than where I was, that I would be removed from the stale breath of the one who speaks words of ill towards me and instead find a new and invigorating companion.

To leap is to leave Control Freak behind. But leap I had to. As I took out my slightly imperfect quilt, I reminded myself that the child that receives it will be joyous and grateful and will not have grown into a critical adult yet. The imperfect lines mean a human made it and not a machine, and if I was honest, as a first attempt, it was pretty good.

The healing begins

I won’t lie and say that I am cured of perfectionism, I was after all quite perfect at self-criticism. No one could catch me in the self rejection stakes because I was a world champion. Not a great claim to make but an honest one. Re-wiring the brain of old habits isn’t always easy but I’ve found a few techniques that help.

Before I begin something new I take a few deep breaths and try to centre myself and close the door on Tofu Man.
I remind myself that I am exploring new territory and like an explorer I may stumble over rocks, then walk easily through green valleys and possibly find a gem during my travels
If I notice Tofu man trying to edge in, I’ll tell him to go sit at the back of the bus because I’m now in the drivers seat.
If I feel like I’m not doing well, I’ll close my eyes and breath again, and really feel into it. I’ll remind myself that this is an exploration of the heart and soul and not a “real” life and death situation, and no matter what the finished product looks like, it’s living in the process that really matters.
I also remind myself that the healing that results from overcoming this debilitating perfectionism condition will lead to better mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. I’ll focus on health, not squiggly, imperfect lines.
And most importantly, I remind myself that in 100 or even 50 year’s time, that no one, absolutely no one is going to care if I sewed a straight line or a crooked one!

So dear perfectly imperfect friends, don’t bow down to a bunch of neural circuits that will cut you off from joy and fulfilment. Instead, join me and gather up your shield and sword and embody the warrior princess or prince. Then go in to battle with your old nemesis, your old you, and fight to regain that childhood part of you that loved creating, without the monster and megaphone that was always trying to correct you, to stifle you, to accuse you of wasting time and money, all of which you may have taken to mean that you weren’t good enough. I know most parents never intended for this to be the message but as children, we lacked the cognitive skills and life experiences to truly understand what was being said, but now we know better. Now we can make a truly remarkable change.

I encourage you to release those old, outdated fears and walk a new path, even if the way isn’t absolutely clear. What’s one step you can take towards reclaiming your right to full expression living, faults and all?

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